Thursday, June 19, 2008

Message in a bottle

1-dear catherine,i'm sorry i haven't talked to you in so long। i feel i've been lost. no bearings, no compass. i kept crashing into things, a little crazy i guess. i've never been lost before. you were my true north. i could always steer for home when you were home. forgive me for being so angry when you left.i still think some mistake's been made and i'm waiting for god to take it back. but i'm doing better now. the work helps me. most of all, you help me. you came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. all i remember from the dream is a feeling of peace. i woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as along as i could.i'm writing to tell you that i'm on a journey toward that peace. and to tell you i'm sorry about so many things.i'm sorry i didn't take better care of you so that you never spent one minute being cold or scared or sick.i'm sorry i didn't try harder to find the words to tell you what i was feeling. i'm sorry i never fixed the screen door. i fixed it now. i'm sorry i ever fought with you.i'm sorry i didn't apologize more. i was too proud.i'm sorry i didn't bring you more compliments on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair.i'm sorry i didn't hold on to you with so much strength that even god couldn't pull you away.
all my love,

2-dear catherine,there isn't an hour of my life without you in it। i mend the boats, test them, and all the while the memories come in like the tide. i was thinking today when we were young and you left our world for a bigger world. i was a lot more scared than i would admit. i fought my fear by telling myself you'd come back someday and trying to think of the first thing i'd say to you when i saw you again. i must have tried out a hundred possibilities.what did i finally say? not much. my mouth wouldn't work except to kiss you.and when you said, "i'm here to stay," that said it all. well i'm doing it again. i keep imagining what i'd say to you if somehow you come back.

3-(from catherine)
to all the ships at sea and all the ports of call... to may family and to all friends and strangers -
this is a message and a prayer. the message is that my travels taught me a great truth. i already had what everyone is searching for and few ever find. the person in the world who i was born to love forever. a person like me, of the outer banks and the blue atlantic mystery.
a person rich in simple treasures, self-made, self-taught, a harbor where i am forever home। and no wind or trouble or even a little death can knock down this kind of love and be healed by it। if my prayer is heard, then there will be an erasing of all guilt and all regret, and an end to all anger. please, god.amen.

4-dear catherine,
my life began when i found you. and i thought it had ended when i failed to save you. i thought that hanging on to your memory was keeping us both alive. but i was wrong. a woman named theresa showed me that if i was brave enough to open my heart, i could love again, no matter how terrible my grief. she made me realize i was only half-alive. it scared me and it hurt.
and i didn't know how much i needed her until the night i watched her fly away. when that airplane took off, i felt something inside of me tear away. and i knew. i should have stopped her. i should've followed her home.
and now tomorrow, i'm going to sail to the windy point and i'm going to say goodbye to you. then i'm going to go this woman and see if i can win her heart. if i can, i know you'll bless me and bless us all. if i can't, then i'm still blessed because i've had the privilege of loving twice in my life. she gave me that. and if i tell you i love her as much as i loved you, then you'll know the whole story. rest in peace, my love.